My Experience With Orange Customer Services and iPhones

I'm aware that I usually kick off the month in blog posts with a bit of tosh about the last 4 weeks but today is different. Today I tried to put some money on my new iPhone having recently discovered that the £10 I paid for a SIM card and top-up voucher has apparently vanished. I should state that I know next to bugger all about phones and topping up money on them. Despite the fact that I was born in the 90s, my knowledge on this piece of modern technology is equal to that of somebody born when food was still being rationed.

So my story starts a few weeks ago when I finally synced my music onto the iPhone. That took nearly a month due to my computer recognising it as a camera instead of a phone but that's a rant about technology for another time. Once I realised I had a £10 top-up voucher from an Orange shop sitting on my keyboard gathering dust, I tried to sort that out so I could finally use my second hand tablet for something other than a pricey paperweight. This was when I asked my followers on Twitter how I'd find my phone number, another glimpse into my lack of education regarding mobile phones.
Have any of you tried using the Orange automated service before? It's very soothing and sounds like you're talking to an actual person due to the casual speech mannerisms but, within minutes, it became clear that I needed to talk to another human being as I was getting nowhere with the recorded dialogue on the other end of the line. It took me a while to find out which number to enter but eventually I was asked to pop in the 19 digit code. I did this four times before the system gave up and patched me through to someone. In my defence, after the third go, it read out the first 6 numbers of my code. I clearly had the right one, since it recited it back to me and I got it spot on each time.
But this is just an intro to the main story. Basically, I was sorted out with a new number and the man on the other end claimed I'd have my money "in a while". I can remember pausing after hearing that and replying, "Right, see, this is what...what do you mean 'a while', how long's a while?" Supposedly 'a while' is the same as 'a few hours', so I didn't argue with him. Two days or so later and after I tried to text for the first time, I discovered I had no credit.

Despite the fact that I could receive messages, I couldn't reply OR hear any of the voicemail. Since I plan on going to London for the day tomorrow, I figured it'd be best if I got this sorted out tonight so I wouldn't be stuck in the middle of my hometown in the dead of night with nobody to pick me up and a couple of the local alcocunts ready to start punching me in the back of the head again*. I called the regular number to try and talk to somebody at Orange again about where my money went (not in a Ray Winstone fashion, mind. "WHERE'S THE FACKIN' MANNY?!?!" No, not that) but was met with a response along the lines of, "Sorry, you don't have enough credit. If you'd like to top up, press 1. If not, hang up". Well gee, let me think for a second.
I tried putting in the 19 digit number for my tenner again but, unsurprisingly, got nowhere. The machine tried putting me through to somebody at Orange but I was met with the familiar response. "Sorry, you don't have enough credit. If you'd like to top up, press 1. If not, hang up". OK, here goes. Third time lucky! I'll try and put some more money on my phone so I can call these people and ask what happened to the first amount of dosh. I pressed the number for topping up with a card and it let me know that I could enter info with my voice or the keypad. If anybody at Orange is reading this, there is a significant flaw in your system that I'll try to draw attention to with flashing lights/swear words.
It asked me to state my post code and first line of address. So far, no problems. It recited it back to me and, I'll admit, I had high hopes. Everything was going better than expected and I'd soon be well on my way to sorting out why I had no fucking cash. Oh, how foolish of me to assume things would be easy, especially with modern technology. Especially with something that everyone else finds easy. No, no, if using Virgin Media broadband has taught me anything it's that nothing like this is ever pissing easy. The machine needed another piece of information from me that proved to be the most difficult. My surname.

I don't have a difficult surname. People have misheard it throughout my life but honest to God, it's not that hard to pronounce. Farrier. F A R R I E R. Rhymes with Barrier (schoolkids made that abundantly clear years 7 through 11). However, I was stood in my bedroom saying "FAH-REE-ER!" into a small device like a right div only to be met with 'OK, so that's "CLARISSA'. Is that right?" What's worse is that my tolerance had started to wear thin so the pitch and volume of my negative reply confused the system even more.
It started coming back with "Just a Yes or No will do", like a wife replying to her agitated husband. This went on for a few minutes, trying to work out whether my surname was "CELIA" or "MORRISON". Finally, the machine gave up yet again and tried contacting a person at Orange for me. "Sorry, you don't have enough credit. If you'd like to top..." OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! When it comes to logging a surname, you can't trust a machine. In the end, after going through the process again, I had to settle with "Marriott" as my surname. Thankfully, it got my first name in a few seconds.
It proceeded to tell me about putting my card details in and how they'd check on a system to see if my details I gave earlier matched up with my card. I was tempted to hang up there and then, for fear of getting nowhere once they realised I gave a different name. Who knows, maybe there's a Mr. Marriott with the same card number as me. If there is, sorry man. I've had a tenner from your account. If it's any consolation, Orange may have nicked a tenner from me and all. This whole situation had been irritating enough but I still hadn't figured out the main problem. What happened to my money? I was now able to give Orange Customer Services a ring, even if it did cost me 25p.

Now I'll try my best to copy the exact speech used in the conversation between myself and the Orange employee but, obviously, most of it will be paraphrased. We'll call the woman on the other end Daisy, since I doubt that's her real name. I would've recorded it but remember that guff earlier about me being crap with technology? Yeah, same goes for computers too. Wouldn't now how to upload sound files to Youtube OR how to bleep out the important bank info that was exchanged. Plus the conversation was around 15 minutes long so I've edited this down a little. Anyway, here goes:

DAISY: Hello, this is Orange Customer Services. How may I help?
ME: ... Hello? Yeah, this is about topping up with a voucher. I tried putting in £10 a week ago but...
DAISY: Hello?
ME: Yeah, hello?
DAISY: Hi there.
ME: Yeah, hi. This is about topping up my iPhone. I tried putting in a tenner with a 19 digit code through your Orange number, talking with somebody, and they said it had gone through on the night. A few days later and I couldn't access my voicemail or messages, I just want to know what happened to my money.
DAISY: OK Mr. Marriott, we'll have a look at your data over the last month.
ME: Yeah, that's another thing as well. I tried to state my surname over your system but it wouldn't accept it so I had to leave it as Marriott, I need that changed too.
DAISY: Well your current balance is £8.75.
ME: It's...right, hold on, I just topped up with £10.
DAISY: Yes.
ME: And this call is a one-off 25p?
DAISY: That's right.
ME: ...so between topping up and calling you, I've lost a quid.
DAISY: Uhhh, OK. Can I ask when you tried to top up your phone with the code?
ME: ...Yeah, the 19 digit one? Hang on a second. Trying to remember. I can't tell you the exact date but it was towards the end of November.
DAISY: OK then Mr. Marriott, I just need to put you on hold for a few moments if that's alright?
ME: Yeah, that's fine. It's not Marriott it's...
(ON HOLD NOW. SHITTY POP SONG WITH THE WORDS "BABY" PLAYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT ISN'T BY JUSTIN BIEBER COMES ON)
ME: ...the fuck is this?
(SONG FADES OUT AFTER A FEW MINUTES. SOME DIRGE BY THE KILLERS STARTS PLAYING)
DAISY: (music fades out) Hello?
ME: Yes, hello!
DAISY: Sorry for keeping you Mr. Marriott, I just had to check on another computer. Our system runs on different apps and the app for last month is currently upgrading. Basically, there was a slight glitch in our system and, because you're new with us, we've decided to generously give you an extra £5 credit.
ME: ...OK, thank you, that's great but remember my problem earlier about the missing £10?
DAISY: Yes.
ME: ...well, do you have anything about that?
DAISY: Ah, well our system is upgrading so you'll receive a text about that in the next 72 hours after we investigate what could've happened to your money.
ME: Right, brilliant. Few other things. Firstly, how much does it cost to use voicemail?
DAISY: 25p a minute.
ME: OK. Secondly, how much does it cost to use Internet services on the iPhone?
DAISY: It should be around £4 a minute but you're on the Dolphin network which means you can get up to 400 free weekend texts and 100MB of Internet per month if you top up with £10 or more.
(AT THIS POINT, I HEARD LOUD LAUGHTER ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE)
ME: Great but, as I've said, I DID top up with £10 and it's gone. Also, I've used the Internet a few times on my phone but it's always been with the WiFi at my own house. Are you charging me to use my own service?
DAISY: No, no, it's just...we'll look into it and we'll text you back, Mr. Marriott.
(WE THEN HAD A BRIEF DISCUSSION ABOUT MY SURNAME AND DAISY SORTED OUT MY CORRECT CONTACT DETAILS FOR A FEW MINUTES. AFTER ALL IS WELL, WE BOTH GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS. END SCENE)

So there you have it. Maybe I'm the idiot who stupidly spent his money using the Internet on his iPhone under the belief that WiFi he's already paying for shouldn't cost extra but a) That's a load of bullshit and b) I didn't receive a single text telling me that I was low on credit...at all. Not one, and it went down to 1p. Bonus piece of information: I had 1 voicemail message from one of my bosses at work asking me to work half an hour early on the 30th November, a.k.a. the day when people went on strike. I only found that out today. Probably would've been really useful for me to come in 30 mins early too, since it was heaving.
Anyway, that's that sorted...hopefully. I'm tempted to let it go, since they're trying to help me and I've almost gone beyond the point of caring. Besides, I may be able to look back on this experience one day and turn it into a funny scene on a TV show I'll be writing. That's one of the reasons I like to blog experiences in my life. Hope you found it as amusing as I did, or those chaps on the other end of the line (maybe it was something else they were laughing at, I don't know). At some point this week, I'll talk about my November and the meals I made/planned for this month. Be seeing you.


* I feel like I'm never going to let this go until I can get Batman justice done on their arses. Suiting up and beating down.