Revenge: How To Get The Ultimate Form Of Payback

Throughout my life, I have cursed myself for not getting an appropriate form of payback against the people I've felt have wronged me. It's just as well, I suppose, otherwise several innocent people would've been punished for something they didn't deserve. However, I'm still kicking myself for not finding one magnificent way of getting back against the people who have royally fucked me over in my life. There are people who screwed me in every hole and got away with it, something that often keeps me awake at night.
Who knows, maybe I'll come across those twats in the future and I'll have a chance to unleash years of accumulated rage via one awesome form of epic payback but, until then, all I can do is hold grudges and plan. That's when I had an idea for the ultimate form of payback. An act of revenge so genius, so fantastic and so mindblowingly epic that I doubt anyone else has ever attempted it, nor would they plan on doing so. It may sound like something out of a film plot but trust me, with the right resources and a bit of luck, it could very well work.

First things first, I need to lay out the scenario and get a few items out in the open so you understand what I'm talking about. There are 3 types of revenge: Petty, Serious & Nuclear. Petty Revenge is the result of somebody pulling a prank on you or a friend landing you in it. Something that has no long lasting effects but, for a short amount of time, fills you with anger. An anger that needs to be diminished and the only way possible is to get a bit of Karma going. This involves responding with another cheap prank, turning the relationship into a series of harmless Petty Revenge. Nobody gets hurt, everyone has a laugh in the end.
Next is Serious Revenge. If somebody wrongs you and your anger at them reaches near critical level, this is usually where Serious Revenge comes in. If somebody steals your idea for something, reaps the benefits and then has a better life as a result of your work, you have every right to get some Serious Revenge on their arse. This could involve a series of plans leading to them losing more than they had in the first place, usually the kind of thing that would not be carried out between two mates. If you can get away with it, good for you. If you're caught, consider the bridge well & truly burnt.
Finally, there's the Nuclear Option (as mentioned in the finale of 'Malcolm In The Middle'). This doesn't burn the bridge but rather irradiates the miles of land around it so nobody can live there or build anything resembling a bridge there for several hundred years. If you've got nothing left to lose and you're willing to share the fallout from this act of comeuppance just to screw over the victim then you go Nuclear. If you're the kind of person prepared to sacrifice all you hold dear, changing your life forever and possibly even coming out of the situation worse than the person you're trying to nuke, you need to think every aspect through in order to cover all the angles and remain at least 3 steps ahead.
The form of payback you're about to read belongs to the Nuclear category.

I've come up with a 5 Point Plan to strike back against your targets but be warned; if you do plan on acting this out then, make no mistakes, it has not been 100% thought through. It's only in the early stages of the development process, much like my recent theory on Deaf People, and will probably fail if anyone tries it out based on my advice alone. However, like every single great plan in existence, it needs some more input to sort out the problems. It needs another mind to say, "Hold on, that won't work. You need to go back the blueprints on this one".
Once the feedback has been given, the original creator of the plan can revise it and iron out all the creases until it's damn near perfect. What I'm saying is that if you have any constructive criticism on how to make this better, I'm all ears...well, eyes, since I'll be reading your comments on this blog post. Anyway, before I list the stages of this plan, I need to tell you about the conditions necessary in order for it to work. These are key points so a bit of legwork might be required on your part.
You need to be involved in some kind of accident that leaves you with a 50/50 chance of dying. I know, it's hard to pull off. That's why it's not Serious or Petty Revenge, you need to gamble. If anything, this is more of a blog post telling you what to do IF you might die in a hospital and you want payback on people. Unfortunately, this plan involves you playing the long game so if you're terminally ill or suffering from injuries that make it impossible for you to leave the hospital/recover from your wounds in under a few years without quality medical care, it will not work for you.


Here are the 5 steps you need to remember and successfully pull off if you want this plan to work. Each stage has a few smaller segments to it so don't expect this to be easy:

1) Before you end up in hospital (or whilst in your hospital bed, if you have a good memory), write & memorise a dynamic Fuck You monologue aimed at the people in your life who have shat on you the most. The ones you want to affect in this payback also need to be contactable, so keep this to enemies whom still remember you and would visit you if you were requested to say your last goodbyes to them.
When you eventually end up in hospital (think of this as 1.5), get somebody to contact all of the people who you want revenge on. Make sure they all come to see you in the hospital on a certain date all together at the same time. If they really think you're dying and you really made enough of an impact, they should turn up. If they don't, you're obviously up a gumtree. Better to invite the people who you'd call "enemies". Genuine rivals or nemeses whom you had a Holmes/Moriarty relationship with. Bastards who loathed you but, in a twisted kind of way, respected you.
Now this speech needs to be powerful, it needs to list the reasons why you hate them along with what they've done to piss you off. This is also vital in giving it one last thought because once the monologue has been delivered, that's it. You've crossed the point of no return. The monologue needs to be personal and strong so that they wouldn't dare interrupt it, cutting you off mid-stream. What's more, it needs to contain the following things:

a) Reasons why you hate the person/people, as we've already covered.
b) The fact that you plan on getting revenge on them all, one by one.
c) Pseudo-Biblical prophecies about strange things happening before you plan on coming back, e.g. birds falling from the sky, sewage rising to the streets, etc. Just make sure these things can actually occur if you work at it, don't start spouting seemingly impossible phenomenons unless you're 100% sure they'll really happen in a few years.
d) Promise them you'll be back to get revenge. Make this dark & threatening. Put all of your creative abilities into writing a final line determined to make them feel a little bit freaked out by your commitment to your own belief that they'll pay for their sins.
e) A final line. Something memorable, something unique. NOT a film quote, it's already been said. This is eventually going to be your legacy, don't borrow somebody else's thunder when you can make your own. If necessary, to drive it in, say your last line and follow it with "Oh yes" before repeating the line again.
At this moment, Step 2 goes into action.

2) With the payback victims by your side, your last words delivered and Step 1 complete, you need to pull some incredible acting skills out of your arse. You need to die. Not literally, of course. You need to fake your death. I know this sounds tricky and the plan could fall to pieces here if your rivals are more intelligent than you (and let's face it, if you're taking my advice on revenge then that could well be the case) but, in theory...crucial words there...in theory, you should be able to create the illusion of dying if you're attached to one of those heart monitors that has a finger clip.
When you deliver the last words, you should have a chance to unclip your heart monitor from your finger if your speech is good enough. It'll start flatlining and they'll assume it's because you've died and not because of what you're doing under the covers. If you have the undivided attention of the people you're talking to, they won't notice you unclipping it as you take your final breath and fall back onto your pillow, feigning death. The illusion of your passing should fool them and, hopefully, the hospital staff if they know you're in a bad way...not too bad though, you need to have a 50/50 chance of pulling through on your own.
Also, pray to Christ they don't try to use the defibrillator on you, otherwise you might actually die in agonising pain. Probably best to get an accomplice to help the additional details, e.g. contacting your enemies, sabotaging the defibrillator, clearing your enemies out of the room, etc. They'll have other roles to play later as well. Eventually, your "dead" body will be taken out of the room and down to the body storage unit. Now Step 3 is also quite tricky with a lot of detail missing but I'm sure there's a way around it. There has to be.

3) Once you're out of the way, you need to escape. The hospital staff who called your time of death can't notice you, your enemies DEFINITELY can't notice you, random patients or staff who know your face can't notice you. You have to be sneaky as a fucking ninja here. If necessary, get your accomplice from earlier to act as a distraction so you can make a getaway. If you want, use the Dr Richard Kimble "Fugitive" method of escaping by stealing a uniform from somewhere and walking out of the front door like you work there every day.
Additional notes: You'll need to find a way of making the disappearance of your body look natural. Maybe your accomplice could swap bodies with another corpse or you could pre-arrange a request that your body be taken to a certain location immediately after the time of death. Just make sure you have an escape plan, OK? Hospital stealth plan might work better in case you need to steal medical supplies to survive. Remember you are injured and if not treated properly, you might die before getting to carry out your revenge.
Step 4 requires patience, intelligence, valuable resources and commitment. It could arguably be the hardest section of all...although that's saying something, if you've been paying attention so far.

4) Find somewhere to hide and get better over time. During this time, plot your revenge. Now an amateur would just go about getting revenge on their enemies in a short amount of time with no build up. Fair play, each to their own...although, if you want to go down in history books as an evil genius, you need to be able to wait until the right time. If you took my advice and included several fake-sounding prophecies into your Fuck You speech delivered at the hospital, you need to get working on making those a reality straight away.
If you promised blood in the water, you need to find a way of making that happen. Just a reminder: don't promise things you know you can't do in a million years. Remember, there is no hurry. Ideally, you should be looking at 5 years of planning for this. Granted the rage you felt for them may have faded over that time but fuck that, you're in WAY too deep to pussy out now. Also keep in mind that you're legally dead.You have to start a new identity, find a way of getting money, hide from people who could identify you.
You'll have to grow facial hair, slightly change your appearance, act differently, it's a challenge...but it'll be worth it if it works. In the years you're hiding and planning, take several things into account. Your enemies WILL move on. They'll change their personalities and the things they once held dear to them may mean nothing any more. You have to try and monitor their developments throughout this time, finding a way of getting back at them in the years to come. Another way your plan could turn to shit is if most of them die before you get a chance to stick the knife in. That'd be embarrassing.

Basically, in a 5 year timescale between escaping and Step 5, you need to have done 3 things. Remembered your exact words from the speech so you can recreate them on a large scale, plotted the way you can recreate these moments from your speech, planned a way to catch and get revenge on your enemies. When the time is right, e.g. a few days before the 5 year anniversary of the day you "died", start making the prophecies come true.
Whatever you did to ensure blood in the water of the area where they all live, do it. If you found a way of releasing a large supply of insects into a public building or whatever, go for it. Hopefully, if you made a big enough impact on your rivals, they should start to remember the things you said. Make sure to do them in order so that they know what's coming next. That way, when it happens, they'll know shit's about to go down. On the anniversary of your "death", after completing the above tasks, Step 5 is ready to begin. Payback time!

5) Dig up your grave, burst the coffin open like some unholy force propelled itself out, kill all of the flowers/grass surrounding your grave within a certain diameter and get ready to have some fun. In an equal timescale, e.g. one enemy every 3 days, find a way of getting somebody on their own. Once that's happened, you can get revenge on them in your own unique way. Now this requires more imagination from you. I can only suggest a few ways of fucking with them but depending on how much you hate them, things will vary.
If you despise them more than anything, you'll probably be willing to kill them. It's not like you've got anything else to lose and hell, we're following a stereotypical horror movie plot anyway. However, that's not what I'd do. I'd leave survivors if only to tell the others about what they can expect...also that the person who swore to get revenge on them is back from the dead. It's not enough to simply spook them, you need to destroy something that belonged to them in the same way they (presumably) destroyed something of yours.
For example, if I extremely hated a guy who constantly got the attention of sexually active females and had a habit of stealing girls I was interested in, I might do a few things. I'd mutilate their genitalia, sew up their anus & try to find a way of using hypnotic recordings played whilst they were asleep to make them gay. THAT is the level of payback you need to be willing to go to if you're seriously considering this.

If possible, each personal vendetta needs to get more extreme so the ones towards the end of your list get the added bonus of feeling unbearable fear as they count down the days until their punishment. When you've finally finished your revenge, teaching them all that they made a colossal mistake screwing with you, you need to vanish. Move to another country or just far, far away from them. If you did a good enough job, they won't want to personally find you again. In fact, some of them may not be able to find you again in the state they're in.
The last person to receive their specific torture should really be left in a state similar to those who spend their remaining days screeching in an Insane Asylum. You want to break these people beyond the point that can be repaired, truly shattering their lives in a way that only a deep hatred and years of planned revenge can. But like I was saying, you need to find somewhere else to live and a new identity. Once you've done that, start your new life. Carry on where you left off before you had your near fatal accident all those years ago.
Better yet, start a new dream! If you're still quite young, maybe you can begin a family. OK, you might spend a lot of your time looking over your shoulder for anyone trying to get severe revenge on you (not ruling it out, just warning you) but you'll have done it. You'll have pulled a Jesus! A dark, twisted, bitter, angry, psychopathic Jesus but an impressive feat nonetheless. You returned from the dead and got revenge on everyone who wronged you, setting the bar at an all time high for people not to fuck with.

This next part is optional but if you want to become a legend, you need to find a way of spreading the story without ending up behind bars, paying for the things you did to your enemies. News of your work may have spread across the media as a result of your rivals trying to get the police involved but those are 2nd hand accounts of the story. Perhaps on your genuine deathbed, when your family has branched out and the eleventh hour is almost at an end, you can reveal your story to your sons/daughters and their kids.
They can pass it down from generation to generation, gradually becoming a tale that'll almost certainly become exaggerated over time. The man who cheated death & did it like a fucking boss! So let's review the points in short stages. Plan a Fuck You monologue aimed at your enemies, get them in the same room at the same time to deliver it to them, fake your death, escape, plot your revenge, make the prophecies you created come true, get payback one by one, start a new life, become a champion.
There are many areas of that plan that could and will go wrong if you actually try it out. This is mostly the work of fiction that I may develop into some kind of writing project one day but now you know what my mind's capable of and the things I think of on a daily basis, I guess you know why I'm not really surrounded by friends or people who want to hang out with me at the moment.

Damn, I have issues. Next blog post will be more comical and less mental. Be seeing you.