Deaf People: A Nonaggressive Theory

I'm not sure if I've posted my theory on deaf people before but, if I haven't, prepare to have your mind blown. First things first, I'd like to get something crystal clear. I'm not trying to have a pop at deaf people. I don't see them as an easy target, I don't want to make this into a bullying post about people with a disability and I sure as shit wouldn't wish loss of hearing on anybody. With the amount of music I listen to on a daily basis, I think I'd probably kill myself if I every permanently lost my hearing.

Anyway, with that out of the way, here's something for you to think about. I remember reflecting on this a while ago when I served a customer at Happy Days Milkshakes (remember I used to work at a Milkshake shop? More blog posts on that to come soon) who had a hearing aid. He was nice and I tried to direct him to the train station, since he wasn't a paying customer but just wanted directions. After he left, I got thinking. I've only ever seen people who had minor hearing problems that could be fixed by a hearing aid...yet I've never seen or interacted with a full blown deaf person in my entire life.
I've seen blind people quite a lot and I've even helped one out of a train station with a friend (this blog post is brought to you by National Rail) but I've never met a deaf person who had one of those speech impediments as a result of being properly deaf. Granted it's hard to notice them, since they obviously don't walk around in a T-Shirt reading "My ears don't work. I'm fair game, y'all!" but I'm not sure if that's unusual or not...the lack of deaf people, not the shirt thing. Have any of my readers ever met a deaf person who 100% couldn't hear anything? I started working on a theory after this realisation.
I know deaf people exist, I'm not saying this is a fucking conspiracy theory or anything. I just wonder where they are since they definitely live in the same community as us. I've been all over the world, met thousands of different people throughout my life via school and different jobs but none of those people have been completely deaf. So what am I missing? Maybe it's something sitting right in front of me that's soared over my head due to me being an idiot but this is what I'm working with.

My theory is that deaf people are nocturnal.

I believe deaf people only come out at night and return back to bed when everybody else starts to get up. I'm not basing this on the fact that I've never met any deaf people, I've tried to be logical about this. In fact, I'll list all the reasons I have to believe they only come out at night and have their own society that we're not a part of because we're all asleep.


1) How do we wake up? What common tool do we use to bring us out of sleep? The answer is an Alarm Clock. Now if you've ever tried sleeping without an alarm clock in a nice comfy bed, you'll find you damn near fall into a coma. If you can't hear an alarm clock going off, your sleep schedules are bound to be pretty messed up. This is where deaf people potentially make the transition. Also, it's not like random noises in the night will wake them up. From an early age, I reckon they'll get used to sleeping through the day and being wide awake at night.

2) If you can't hear anything, it's a hell of a lot easier to go outside at night than it is during the day. When it comes to things like crossing roads, it might be tricky if you can't hear a car coming from the other direction. However, any cars driving at night have to have their lights on. Deaf person sees the lights, doesn't cross the road. During the day, things are a lot more complicated. Not just that but the places like 24 hour supermarkets, fast food establishments and petrol forecourts that stay open at night are perfect for deaf people.
You don't need to be able to hear anything to buy things from a supermarket, since everything is right in front of you and the amount you have to pay is usually highlighted on a cash register screen. Fast food places have pictures of everything that deaf people can point to. As for petrol forecourts...well, even people with perfect hearing will probably have trouble understanding what Igor the trolley boy is trying to tell you from behind the counter. Makes no difference to deaf people if they can't quite make out the slurred "YoO goT A nECTuRR carRd?".

3) It's a common misconception that by losing one sense, some of your other senses are dramatically improved. But then again, I imagine there has to be an element of truth in that. Surely it's easier to focus on your eyesight if you can't get distracted by sound like a reverse Daredevil, otherwise why would people close their eyes when trying to concentrate or recall a sense? This means it wouldn't be much of a problem dealing with dark nights, since the eyesight of deaf people should be improved beyond normal eyesight quality. Whilst I have no proof backing any of this up, I'd like to remind you that it is still a theory.

4) Kind of backing up point #2 here but it's also pretty safe in rough areas for deaf people. If you're out late one night and you pass a club or pub in an aggressive area on a student night, for example, there's a chance you might have to deal with pissed wankers who want to pick a fight. Hell, one of them might start punching you in the back of the head over and over again whilst calling you a cunt because you gave a sarcastic reply to a question his mate asked that was taking the piss out of your hairstyle anyway (I literally wish all of those spunkstains from Woking simultaneously get lung or throat cancer).
If you're normal, you have no safety net to fall back on. To a cunt on the street, they can attack you and not have any reason to feel disgusted with themselves. If you're deaf, it seems unlikely that they'll take a swing. After all, you have to be one lowlife scumbag to beat up a disabled person, although having a light-hearted rib via blog posting is totally different...what? IT IS! The point I'm trying to make is that similar to kids that wore glasses in the playground, you have a minor level of Tosser-Deterrent in being unable to hear, since it shouldn't take too long for someone to figure out you're deaf if you a) talk using sign language or b) talk with a speech impediment.

Now I know the above reasons haven't really been scientific, factual or even intelligent to a degree that most successful theories run with. Hell, I've just read through the things I've been saying and it looks like I need an incredible save to stop myself from coming across as a tremendous dick. Luckily, I think I have it.
I have one more argument that I've been keeping up my sleeve that suddenly makes my theory seem a lot more realistic. After reading it, you can look into it as much as you want. Make up your own minds regarding whether you think I'm talking out of my arse or whether I'm onto something about deaf people being nocturnal but screw it, here goes.

You know those special edited TV shows that have the lady in the bottom right hand corner performing sign language for deaf people?

When are they always on?


I rest my case.