Bridesmaids: My Thoughts

Ever since I saw the first trailer for this film, I knew I'd hate it. I was so confident I wouldn't enjoy it that I told my friends they could punch me in the face if I came out of the cinema having had a positive experience when we went to see it. Granted there were moments of doubt when I actually thought, "Who knows, maybe I'll actually enjoy a chick flick with a load of annoying characters and fart jokes" (hence the reason I wanted to go and see it, I have been spectacularly wrong before) but in the end, I did hate it. A lot. I would rather sit through a filling operation on my teeth than this film again. But that doesn't make it a bad film.

Critics seem to love it and celebrities on Twitter have raved about it, though I think that's probably because they're friends with some of the actors in the film, and the general consensus seems to be that it's a chick flick that even guys will enjoy. I personally disagree and think that if you really liked the film then you either have a vagina or are a cunt but my point is that this blog post isn't a review or accurate analysis of the film. It's a step by step walkthrough of each scene from my memories and Wikipedia to help fill in forgotten details such as character names and the odd line of dialogue. Yes, I can remember dialogue based on Wikipedia text, don't you judge me!
Furthermore, I should warn you that this blog post WILL have spoilers. In case you missed this bit because you were skim-reading (I don't blame those that do. After all I don't half go on, don't I?), this blog post HAS SPOILERS. SPOILER WARNINGS. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED...ABOUT THE SPOILERS. So basically, if you want to see the film then go and see it first before proceeding. However, if you loved the film then I recommend you avoid this blog post as if it were Meatspin and Lemonparty combined.
Nothing's worse than reading a rant about something you enjoy written by someone you don't agree with talking as if their word is equal to or greater than that of the Lord. If you saw the film, hated it and want to read about a teenage boy doing his best to tear it to shreds (so nobody, then), it's time I cracked on.

'Bridesmaids' is a comedy about a group of female friends organising a wedding party and, subsequently, wedding. It's been compared to a girl-version of 'The Hangover' by people who haven't seen the film and idiots, more on that point later. The movie kicks off with Kristen Wiig's character, Annie, having sex with a bloke named Ted. We're treated to a few fun lines like "Cup my balls!" and a human version of the puppet sex scene from 'Team America: World Police'. After a bit of dialogue between Ted and Annie, Annie is asked to leave and accidentally gets stuck on an automated gate, a joke only women will find funny. Only women...or guys who want to screw the women they're sitting next to in the cinema.
We then get a scene between Annie and her friend, Lillian (played by the Y U No Guy). They talk and have fun and so far the film feels like 'Sex In The City' set in an alternate reality where there's no godawful muzak in the background. We get a glimpse into Annie's life and see it's all pretty dire. Her cake shop has closed down and she now works in a Jewellers, she lives in a flat with Matt Lucas and a fat woman, she wants to find a romantic partner that isn't a total tool like Ted and she's pretty low on cash. After a visit to her mother's house, Annie is told that she can't really get worse off because she's already hit Rock Bottom.
Sooner or later, a story actually appears and Lillian reveals that she's getting married to Wash from 'Firefly', having lost his ability to speak or do anything other than look like a shop window mannequin. Lillian asks Annie to be her maid of honor because they're best friends, something that delights and irritates Annie purely because she hasn't found a husband yet. At the engagement party, Lillian introduces Annie to her other friends/characters from the film. There's Rita, Becca, Megan and Helen although Rita and Becca are just extra characters thrown in for giggles, ironic since they're not fucking funny.

They don't have any amusing lines, their back stories don't go anywhere and they might as well be named Herpy and Derpy. It's not like I'll need to write their names again in this blog post summary. However, Megan is a crude, plump character who actually has some of the funniest moments in the film later on. Clearly meant to be the Zach Galifiasnickersbar of the film, her lines are more miss than hit but at least she has some hits, unlike anyone else in the movie. Meanwhile, Helen is the closest thing to an antagonist. She's a rich, classy, attractive friend of Lillian who is just as close to her as Annie and, as a result, creates tension for the main character. Her actions and engagement party speeches make Annie feel inadequate as a maid of honor so quite a few humorous situations in this film come from Annie wanting to one-up Helen despite failing 90% of the time.
Whilst driving back home, Annie accidentally attracts the attention of a police officer named Nathan, played by Chris O'Dowd. The moment you see his face on screen for the first time, you know he's going to be the romantic interest for Annie. This is further proved when he tears up her ticket because he remembers how much he liked her old cake shop. So we've got several plot lines going. One involving Annie's love life, one involving Lillian's wedding and one involving the friendship jealousy between Annie and Helen. After a tennis match that doesn't really go anywhere or have an amusing payoff, Annie takes the girls to a dodgy looking Brazilian restaurant where most of them feast on meat. Helen sticks to salad, being perfect and all. After this, they head to a bridal gown studio.
Considering the fart joke & build up to this scene were in pretty much every trailer for the film, it seems that this was the part the writers wanted to make the funniest. The one that has everyone in the cinema laughing and that probably made them laugh out loud when they put it to paper. It involves a group of women who have food poisoning throwing up on each other and shitting into a sink/their pants. I'm not saying it wasn't funny, since everyone in the cinema was laughing at it, but...seriously? That's the level?! I shouldn't really be complaining, since I found the 2 minutes of throwing up in that one 'Family Guy' episode a few years ago pretty funny. I suppose my only defence is that that was more of a surprise whilst, as I've already established, this film is more predictable than a Dreamworks picture. I can't remember who first said this but about 90% of comedy is surprising the audience.

Anyway, after the disaster at the bridal gown studio, Annie proposes a bachelorette party at a nice little lake house. However, when Helen proposes Las Vegas, her ideas are thrown out the window. We then get the second 'funny scene' on the plane flight over to Vegas. The one that involves Annie getting wasted on alcohol and sedatives, crashing the First Class area and causing the stir that ends up with them getting escorted off before they can land at Vegas. OK, I'm holding my hands up here. I thought there were elements of that that were kind of amusing. The build up and reveal of the air marshal made me smile. Not so much the moments where Megan wanted to have sex with him, more the ones where she's just talking to him. Simple without going into low-brow territory.
On a bus ride home, Lillian drops the bomb on Annie by telling her that Helen will be taking over the planning of the wedding and shower, since Annie had successfully given them both diarrhoea and a black mark against their names on the fly-list. This makes Annie unhappy but luckily, she has Nathan the cop to talk to. Their relationship becomes stronger, they fuck, he buys her a load of baking equipment and she gets pissed off because she doesn't want to bake even though she did earlier on in the film. Suddenly, everything in Annie's life turns to shit! She gets fired from her job for using the C word (one can relate), she's kicked out of the flat she's living in, she loses her status as best friend with Lillian and she has to move back in to her mum's house having hit the level below Rock Bottom.
Despite the fact that the protagonist falling to a new low and suffering a crisis of confidence has only happened in every film ever made, that's not really a valid reason to condemn this one. After all, it's a conflict in the plot. Every decent plot needs conflict and in the context of this story, there's not a lot the writers could've done without going batshit mental and introducing zombies or vampires halfway through like 'From Dusk Till Dawn'. Anyway, the day of the bridal shower approaches and Annie notices that it's based heavily on an idea she suggested to Helen and the other women, only for Helen to turn down and seemingly steal for herself. Whilst exchanging gifts, Helen once again trumps Annie by getting Lillian a trip to France (something Annie wanted to do with Lillian)...and that's when it all kicks off.

Annie has a breakdown, starts trashing everything (like you would at your best friend's bridal shower. That'll sure show the woman you're competing against!) and loses her best friend, the one thing she had left. We get another funny moment involving Megan and a load of dogs (the only time I laughed during the film...so yeah, it beats 'Meet The Spartans' at the very least), Annie crashes her car and Officer Nathan is there to help her pick up the pieces...or is he? He's still pissed off at her for essentially being a love tease. Is there a better word or term than that? Oh yes, a Bitch. Anyway, the film carries on chugging along at a fairly slow speed. We see Annie at home and surprise, surprise, Megan visits her.
Megan then gives Annie her epiphany to fix her life by telling her that she's not only her own problem but her own solution too. Maybe it's because I've been in a similar friend situation to Annie but I guess that was the one part of the film that I liked. I'm not talking about a decent visual gag, I'm talking about an actual scene or discussion within 'Bridesmaids' that didn't bore or anger me. In fact, it did the opposite. It was a nice moment where the comic relief character actually turned out to be the one with the most depth, unlike Herpy and Derpy who shared a random-ass lesbian kiss on the plane and then fucking vanished for the rest of the film. But yes, that's genuine praise from me about a diamond in a dog turd.
After having her life somewhat sorted out by Megan, Annie begins to fix things that she wasn't able to do before. She gets her car fixed, she helps her mum hook up (?), she tries to patch things up with Nathan but in the end, still has quite a lot of work to do. Eventually, the wedding day arrives but Lillian has gone missing. Helen asks Annie for help and tearfully apologises to her for outshining her on all the previous occasions. When they can't find Helen, Annie finds Nathan and tries to get his attention by driving dangerously next to his car. Could've been funny but I don't know, it didn't feel like they went far enough. No surprises or exaggerations means no laughs in a modern comedy...oh wait, that's just me.

Reluctantly, Nathan helps them and Annie is able to have a girl chat with Lillian about how her wedding has gone tits up. This is the moment where I knew it was definitely a film for girls. I have never known or dared to imagine a scenario where two men bond over how disastrous a wedding is going with tears and memories. For the most part, men don't really give a shit. The dress isn't perfect? Doesn't matter, you only use it once. The silverware isn't right for the reception? Who gives a toss? You're not marrying the fucking forks. All they care about are the words "I do" coming from the mouth of the bride...and maybe the ratio between clean and racist jokes in the Best Man's speech. That too.
Therefore, watching two women talk about a wedding that's out of control isn't relatable or entertaining for guys unless you care deeply about the characters in the film. I honestly couldn't give a rat's arse about Annie and Lillian because a) I know everything is going to turn out OK for them and b) They haven't come across as likable people. I could say the same about my life and interactions with friends. People would watch that and think, "Jesus, shut the fuck up!" unless they found a way of deeply relating to us, which brings me back to my original point. As a male with no interest in marriage, I couldn't relate to two women talking about a bad wedding. Fuck me, that took a long time to explain.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Annie talks Lillian into having her wedding and it's all very nice. Helen even got Lillian's favourite band to play. I can remember the moment when the band appeared and everyone in the audience shrieked as if it to say, "OH MY GOD, IT'S WILSON PHILLIPS! I CAN'T BELIEVE WILSON PHILLIPS ARE HERE!" Who the fuck are Wilson Phillips?! Their music sounded pretty damn mediocre and watching a group of women in bridal dresses dancing to bland Alt-Pop just moves me one step closer to alcoholism. But wait! There's more! Helen and Annie are able to patch things up and Nathan arrives to follow suit. Everything works out well as Annie is taken away by Nathan to presumably start a relationship. BOOM! Credits, more mediocre pop, no more reasons to stay. There's a bit after the credits involving Megan and the flight marshal but no, sod that. I'm done. I came, I saw, I want my fucking money back.

So what are my overall thoughts? For kickoff, this film is clearly a Romantic Comedy. Not a straightforward Comedy, a Romantic Fucking Comedy. Next to a Romantic Comedy, grossout or toilet humour comedies are beyond passable. It's more of a challenge to try and spit on your own foot than to guess how a Romantic Comedy will end. 9 times out of 10, the boy and girl on the front of the film posters will hook up. This is why I hate people who watch TV shows for the "Will They/Won't They" subplots. SPOILERS, they will! They always bloody will! But back to my closing rant and why I didn't like this film.
Believe it or not, I didn't hate 'Bridesmaids' because it was a girl comedy and I'm one of those guys who thinks women aren't funny. Far from it. There are a lot of female writers and actors who I would say are incredibly talented although none of them were working on this film. Honestly, I think this movie had a touch of the Avatar Effect. When everybody says, "OMG ITZ AMAZBALLS!!!!1!!!" and next to nobody has anything bad to say about it, it's a worse feeling of disappointment than if the critics had a 50/50 opinion of it. I didn't like the characters, I didn't like the majority of the jokes, I didn't like the romance subplot and I certainly don't like the fact that this film is a box office success because it means there's probably going to be a sequel that everyone won't shut up about.
Compare this to 'The Hangover' where the film had likable characters, a smart plot, hilarious jokes that are still funny the second time around and a song by Wolfmother. Of course I'm not the target audience for 'Bridesmaids' so I understand why people do like the film but if I'm being honest, this post is more of a Fuck You to all the male critics or men who said the film is for everybody. They're wrong. Very few films are for everybody and the people who tried to pass this off as an all round comedy when in reality it was nothing but a chick flick with balls have disappeared from my list of Opinions I Give A Shit About. Aaaaaaaand end rant!